Tiptoeing in Law School

It's been a long while. I've been busy pretending to be a diligent law student. Returning to law school after a year out has been tough. Really tough. To be honest, I'm still not back in my best foot even after a semester since my return.

Last semester was such a struggle and sadly I was on the losing end. There were nights when I easily give in to sleep's call even when I'm supposed to be studying. There were times when I'd go to class without reading the assignment and would just pray not to be called in recitations. There were also days when I would open my book and stare at a page for an hour without actually reading anything. When I try to study, the walls and the ceiling suddenly become interesting to look at; even cleaning my room turns out  to be an appealing task. But the worst was when I didn't study for the final exams of two of my subjects. I'm not the most diligent student in college but I've always exerted effort for my exams. It was horrible, especially for my guilt. "What's happening to me?," was a constant question I asked myself. I missed the Maris who endures sleepless nights just to ace her exams; I missed her determination and persistence. Maybe I was still half-hearted contrary to my promise that I'd embrace everything willingly.

But to be fair, I did fight. The effort to be more disciplined was there. Although I failed to be consistent, I'm still quite proud of my progress. And this semester, the struggle to be a better, more determined, and more diligent law student continues. Thus, for the past month I lived by the mantra, "Tiptoe if you must, but take the step."
Everyday is a challenge for me to change. Inconsistency is still my greatest foe. It's a painful process. I see myself as a clueless baby, trying to learn how to walk. It might sound absurd but I don't know how to study anymore. My method in high school and college isn't compatible with the pressure in law school so I'm in a constant trial and error experiment. I feel like a first year again who's trying to grasp an effective study habit and to adapt to the pace. The only difference is that I have two semesters with me as weapons.

This month was about taking a step toward the right path - the path that would lead me to the attainment of my goals. I acknowledged that there's something wrong with my recent apathy toward my studies. It's difficult but I decided to take little steps everyday. I realized that I need to be realistic for me to succeed in my goal of changing myself. I can't expect to change over night. Laziness and I have become really friendly that it would take some time to be estranged with each other. What matters now is that I continue in the direction that I started to take. I'm tiptoeing with a positive vibe. As a proof, I started using the term 'process' instead of 'struggle' in referring to this phase of transformation I'm in right now. Hopefully before this semester ends, I'll tiptoe no more and be able to walk with firm and confident steps.

Have you been in the same 'tiptoeing' phase before? Share your experience in the comments section below.  

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