Reasons for Leaving Law School

Finishing law school would be best for me and my family. It would provide me one heck of a good-paying job, an ideal career, a privileged status in the society, protection for my loved ones. The list is endless. BUT I know in my heart that pursuing it would be a wrong decision.

Law School sure felt like hell!

My primary reason for wanting to leave law school is because I'm not happy anymore. I was satisfied during the first few months. It gave me self-satisfaction and increased my self-esteem. However, my initial enthusiasm faded bit by bit as the true color of law school was revealed to me. I spend sleepless nights almost everyday trying to cope with our reading assignments. My life is so boring and stressful. I can't remember the last time I genuinely did something fun and enjoyed it without feeling guilty afterwards because I could have utilized that time for studying.

Each day is similar to me. It is spent for reading, sleeping, eating, and nothing else (Okay, I frequently hang out with my classmates after class but we still discuss law-school-related matters). Since I started law school, even walking slowly and calmly had been a luxury. I felt the need to always hurry so as not to waste time. Time is always scarce in studying. I'm certain that my outlook would have been different if I love law school. Trust me, I tried to be optimistic (proof: my past posts about law school) but the stress that it's causing me is too overwhelming to ignore.

Endless readings anyone?

Second, the reality of a lawyer's future is not enticing. I want to believe that the stressful nights and piles of readings are just necessary steps toward becoming a lawyer. But the truth is, these things are indispensable elements of a lawyer's life. The stress would not end after law school or after successfully passing the Bar Exams. In fact, it would be a hundred times intensified once I start my career as a lawyer. I don't want to spend the rest of my life sleeping for a maximum of four hours, or reading 100-page documents. I don't want to lose myself in paperworks and passive laws; I want to touch lives and build genuine relationships with people. It seems like lawyers (with few exceptions) live life without actually living it. 

Guilt is a heavy load to carry over one's shoulders.

Third, I consider myself laid-back (although, I can be very persistent when I commit to a goal). You see, studying Law is such a big adjustment. I force to discipline myself everyday to read books and cases. I do succeed in disciplining myself, however, there are times that I give in to distractions. Whenever I fail to accomplish the tasks I scheduled, I would feel REALLY guilty. I hate how my guilt negatively affects my self-satisfaction . Each day I curse myself for snoozing my alarm, for surfing the internet when I should be studying, for not being the perfect, responsible law student that I want myself to be.

I don't look forward to the time when law school makes me completely hate myself because I'm halfway there. My guilt is self-inflicted. As an ambitious person, I've always been hard on myself. A recent study by Timothy Judge, professor of management at the University of Notre Dame, explained that individuals with the ambitious character trait, like me, experience a constant sense of dissatisfaction. Being surrounded by competitive law students is not a healthy environment for me because it fuels my frustration. Unless I have mastered disciplining myself, law school is detrimental to my self-satisfaction and self-worth. Until then, I must keep my distance.

We imprison our heart when we allow society to dictate our lives.

Fourth, I have planned my life based on what I think would make other people, especially my parents, proud of me without giving much consideration on what I really want. Most of my decisions were founded on what I think I need to do. Now, it scares me that I would never have the courage or chance to actually pursue what I desire to do.

I have allowed myself to be imprisoned on my plans because other people's opinion of me have always mattered. I don't want to be regarded as someone who wasted her life doing something unworthy of one's attention, so, I engaged in activities that are considered to be worthwhile. However, I have realized that how we choose to define wasting or living life to the fullest depends on us. Our parents' and society's definition may differ from ours but it doesn't invalidate our definition.

For instance, no one can say that a person who chose to be a seamstress when she could have been a doctor, or someone who has the skills of a good lawyer but chose to be a housewife, or a woman who chose to marry a peasant when she could marry a prince, have wasted their lives. The reality is that individuals have varying definitions of a life well lived. We differ on what we value in life. After acknowledging these realizations, I want to liberate myself from the plans I based on society's definition of success and happiness and live my life based on my own definition of a content life.

Continuing a journey with a heavy heart is useless.

Fifth, I don't want to revive the feeling of resentment I had when I was in college. I felt trapped while I was studying Political Science. At some point I was happy but I knew that I would have been happier in another field say Journalism or Psychology. I didn't give up Political Science because of several personal considerations, including the time I have spent studying it and the company of my blockmates. I endured studying Poli. Sci. for 4 years and even graduated with Latin Honors.

My discontent of Poli. Sci. was so strong that when I look back, I still remember the feeling of wanting to shift courses. I'm tempted to pursue Law like what I did with Political Science and pretend that I'm not forcing myself. I know that I would be able to survive because I'm quite capable of achieving things especially when I put my mind and discipline on it. However, I'm choosing to be happy now.  I don't want to pursue something just because I can excel on it. If I'm staying in Law School, it would be because I want to and not just because I can. I REFUSE to endure the next four years with a heavy heart and wait until then to start the life I really want.

There are instances when you just have to be selfish and stop thinking about others. Right now, I want to invoke my right to be selfish. This is my life. I want to listen to my heart and follow my guts.

P.S. Although I'm resolved to leave law school, there are factors that still make my doubts linger. On my next post, I will write about what's stopping me from leaving law school.